Last Night

I had decided that I was going to try and distance myself from J...and somehow, I found myself calling him & asking him to meet me for dinner AGAIN. I am not sure one minute I don't want to see him & the next I am not able to breathe, my heart is pounding, the tears begin to fall and I long to see him, to touch him, to kiss him. I am so in love with him but at the same time I am so MAD at him...in one second he ruined everything. I tell him that I need my space that I need time to think but then I am texting him or calling him to meet somewhere. I have slept in his shirt every single night since he left & decided not to come back...I had just done laundry that day & somehow it had gotten pushed under the bed and it was the only thing that didn't get washed (it's like God was helping me out), it smells like him still & still my bed is lonely...the only reason I am getting any sleep is thanks to Advil pm & the only way I can stay awake during the day is from Mountain Dew & Vitamins. I am so lost & so lonely...I walk like I'm lost and the only time I feel whole is when I am next to him...

I know this feeling is not going to go away I know that because after everything I am still in love with him. I do know however that being mad at him will go away....